I was going to wait to post more of these, however they are very important to me so here is another one. Same disclaimer as before, a story with RL influence. A lot of these Dear Diary post have come from discussions had on http://www.spankingromance.wordpress.com if you haven’t been over there you should! Much love to all of you guys, please keep sending me comments and thoughts you have about these subjects ❤
Hi Diary, me again.
I have been having so many first lately, diary. I don’t know how to talk about this with anyone, so I’m just going to talk to you. Today I had a pretty intense scene. Top was trying to ‘shock’ me out of a temper tantrum and I reacted badly to her spanking me. It wasn’t working for me, actually I was throwing a even worse tantrum. So, I did something I had never done in a scene before. I called the safe word. It was strange. Yes, Top stopped immediately, but so did I. It was like a cold bucket of water was thrown over the both of us.
Here is where I am having problems. Yes, everyone stresses the importance of safe words and talks about using them if you need to, however no one talks about what happens after it is used. As soon as I said it I regretted it. Not for needing to, but for disappointing my Top in not being able to continue or trust her enough to let go. Even though you aren’t in a mental place to continue, there is a sudden drop, you get very sad, clingy, resentful, angry, relieved, relaxed and many other things at the same time.
When I said my word I tried to run again. I guess I am discovering I am a runner, but that is another entry entirely. But I ran from Top, luckily I didn’t get far before she stopped me and insisted on talking about my tantrum in the first place and about why I needed to say my safe word. Throughout the conversation I wanted to apologize again and again for having to stop.
After everything was calm and Top and I decided to handle my guilt for the tantrum. She put me back over her knee and spanked me harder than she did before. However, Diary I have something to confess. As soon as she put me over her knee I felt panic. However, it was like everything happened in extremely slow motion in my brain. She was spanking extremely hard, but I didn’t react. I just laid there over her knee getting my backside lit up with her hand.
My mind was many things during the second attempt at spanking. Mainly, it was a panicky empty. It was like I had lost all thought of how to stop this. Don’t get me wrong, Diary I don’t blame Top for not knowing what is going on in my head. I don’t blame her for spanking me even harder to try to get me to stop holding back my reactions in fact I might have done the same thing if the roles where reversed. However, there was a deep part of me that thought if I stopped this again that she would be mad or upset with me so I just took it even though I was having a full blown panic attack.
After, it was over I pulled away some since I didn’t know how to talk about what happened. The second spanking ended up feeling more like a punishment for saying my safe word than what it was actually for. Top eventually got out of me what was going on and we did discuss what was happening, however this is so new to me I fear I’m going to mess up so much she gives up on me. I want to be perfect even though she insist that nothing I do could ever make her leave me unless I tell her to. It’s still a deep fear of mine and I wish I knew how ‘fix’ it. But I guess I just need to rely on Top to help me through.
Diary it been a few days since I started this entry and I thought I’d stop by and finish it with some more thoughts since I’ve had some time and distance,
I think I’m beginning to learn what a safe word is really for. It’s not so much about the physical side of punishment, but more the metal. To get a spanking and for it to help you HAVE to be in the right head space. If you aren’t then it is a pointless act that will do more harm than good. I’m not sure how it works in all TTWD relationships, but in ours ‘yellow’ for me means wait I really don’t understand what is going on or you are moving to fast for me. In my personal case I use it more often when we are having a intense conversation that I might not be ready for than I do if I’m over Tops knee. ‘Red’ for me is usually used if Top triggers something for me that is traumatic. Usually that tells her that not only do I need to stop right now, but I’m going to ask for her to do one of two things: give me sometime alone to process whatever is going on or that I need her to hold me until I calm down from my panic. I know that Top would much rather me talk about basically every boring detail of my thoughts before hand than feel so scared or cornered that I needed to use my safe word.
Now, back to the physical vs. mental aspects… As a grown woman I can basically power through any type of pain I set my mind to which can easily lead me being really hurt physically by a spanking. However, that isn’t what Top nor I want for us. She wants me to be able to accept a spanking and allow it to impact my behavior or what ever we are addressing. So, Diary I have made a promise to Top and myself that I will be open and honest about where my head is at from here on out and if that means having to wait for punishment or do something other than spanking then that will be the best for the both of us.
Loved and well spanked,