As most of you know at this point I’ve been in a Top/brat relationship for about two months now with a very special person. The journey has seen really high highs and really low lows. I don’t trust easily and I’ve made many mistakes along the way, but I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. Toppy lady and I just kind of fell into these roles we are in, it happened natural really, at first at least. However, the one huge thing I’ve had to learn is what submission really is, what it takes to be submissive and what it feels like when you get there. I don’t have all of this figured out of course, but I’m beginning to learn what my journey looks like.
Submission is a choice. It’s a choice I have to make daily and sometimes even more than one time a day. It’s not a feeling and it doesn’t actually just happen, for me at least. I always thought that submission would be this feeling you would have, but it’s not. Submission is the choice to allow someone else control part or all of your life. And let me tell you it can scare the hell out of you. Like I said earlier I don’t trust people naturally, it just doesn’t happen that way. But then to have someone that is worthy of that trust enough to choose what is best for you in several aspects of your life that is a learning experience. There were times and I guess still are times when I fight it every step of the way. Thankfully, I have a Top who is extremely patient and stubborn that will stick with me no matter what I do. So, I have had to make the conscious effort to chose this everyday ever since I realized this and it has made life less complicated and our relationship more fulfilling in many ways.
When I choose to submit to Karen (name changed to protect the not so innocent 😉 ) I instantly become more stable. A lot of times in my RL I feel like I’m free falling into a wide open abyss and that I’m out in the world vulnerable, alone and scared. I also felt like I was wandering around a bit. When I submit she will protect me from everything including myself. I no longer have the worries of the world. I find comfort here in the land of trust and dependence on another human if it is only for a few short minuets a day.
Here is the big thing though. Submission isn’t a requirement of our relationship. It isn’t even a demand or expectation really. It is a gift that I freely choose to give to her. Yes, that maybe hard to understand, but through the time we have spent together and her continued proving to me she isn’t going anywhere it is a desire that has grown inside of me. I want to give her that gift, because I do trust her with my life.
I won’t tell you that is has gotten easier though. If anything it has gotten harder. I went into the relationship thinking that being a brat/bottom to someone would come naturally for me. However, it actually doesn’t. In fact I like control things quiet a bit, which might explain my Switch tendencies, but that is a whole other post. But, what I have found here when I can submit is peace. It’s like the person at the core of who I am is alive and well and so very loved and cared for.
Until next time, LT