Dear Diary 10/22

Dear Diary,

            My butt hurts. It still has stinging swollen red strips (from what I can see in the mirror) from where my Ma’am thoroughly discussed my behavior with her belt. I’m laying on my bed butt touching nothing hoping the throbbing will subside soon, while Ma’am is in the kitchen doing something. I sometimes wonder why I do this. I always talk my way into more trouble than necessary. I should have known I was in trouble with her before she got here, but alas her message of ‘we need to talk’ was not headed.

            Apparently, she had looked at my journal and realized I’d skipped five days of night meds and three days of daytime meds. That’s what warranted the little message from Ma’am. Honestly, though I was grumpy, probably from missing the meds, but that’s a moot point. When she sent me that message, I might have ignored it. And generally speaking, it’s not good to ignore your Ma’am.

            She got here and discovered my rather messy apartment, piles of dirty laundry and dishes. When she asked me why I hadn’t been keeping up with things. I might have said something along the lines of it not being her business. I can assure you that is not an acceptable response. She had me over her lap with me eye to eye with my couch cushion and bare bottom in the air before I knew what was happening. How does she move that quick?! And how do I always forget how much her hand hurts! She didn’t bother warming me up either. Her hand quickly met my skin imparting heat expressing her displeasure. I couldn’t stay still either! I know I must have looked silly as I squirmed all over her lap as my butt reddened, however, I didn’t care! It huuurrt!

            She stopped and stood me back up in front of her (and didn’t bother pulling my pants back up either!) and started her lecture over. That was so embarrassing, but part of me also wanted to curl up on her lap and cuddle. But that’s not what she had planned. I rubbed my stinging bottom and she questioned me about the state of my life. From the meds to the messy apartment. Everything in me wanted to stomp, but the cool draft of air across my bits reminded me that might not be the best idea. I was expected to stand there and answer her questions and be contrite.

            I hate being lectured and I hate admitting I messed up. But for some reason in the midst of every lecture ever Ma’am seems to bring me around to the idea that I probably deserve some consequences for my actions. I don’t care how many times she says “spanking, strapping, or paddling” it always makes my tummy do flips. And don’t get me started on “young lady, or the worse little girl” which I get if I throw a little tantrum or get whiney. Anyway. She lectured me a longggg time about my meds especially. She doesn’t like it when I skip those. It makes me not feel good, is bad for my health, yada ya ya. She ended up declaring I needed to write a freakin paper about my meds and why it was important, etc. Why do tops have to get all… educational?

            But of course, that’s not all. She declared I needed a sound strapping as a reminder to take my meds the next few days. My butt twitched as soon as she said it. And I am ashamed to admit it, but I might have tried to beg off of it. However, Ma’am got that look. The look that told me that my butt would be in dire danger if I didn’t stop it. Sure it made me pause, but I didn’t want a strapping with her mean belt! And… that’s when she said it!

            “Go get me the plug.” Yeah. That was an oh shit moment. I know my eyes must have been as big as saucers as she sat there in her sharp black business suit looking at me as serious as I have ever seen her look. “And if you don’t want to wear it the rest of the night I suggest you go and get it now.” Any thought of rebellion or sass retreated fast, let me tell you. I trudged through my apartment looking for a plug with some lube before coming back to her. She directed me over her lap and I unwillingly found myself vulnerably bottom up again. I know she must have thought me silly as I whimpered when her hand met my backside, but it is usually an involuntary response as it is usually a promise of what is to come.

            She quietly warned me before my cheeks were spread and I felt the tip of the plug pressing against me. I am still blushing at that. She pressed it slowly and smoothly into my bottom. Afterward, both of us were quite a moment. She was probably letting me get re-acquainted with my old “friend” again. I know I was squirming over her lap though as her gentle palm petted one of my cheeks then the other. It was a silent reminder of just who I belonged to. Finally, when I because used to the full feeling of the plug she quietly asked me, “Are you going to behave now, little girl?” My body shivered at her deep and dominant voice. I could only nod yes into the cushions as she tapped the end of the plug in my bottom. “Use your words, little girl.” It took me a long minute to focus enough to mutter, “yes, Ma’am.” Of course, that wasn’t a good enough response, but those details aren’t important.

            She finally had enough talking and told me it was time to get over the arm of the couch for my strapping. Seemingly, my bottom was “still warm enough” from her initial palm and bottom meeting that she didn’t “rewarm” it. I have many different parts of the spanking process that I hate and bending over the couch or bed or whatever else is just another one. It’s like having to basically ask for what’s coming. Not to mention how much more annoying it is when you have a plug filling your bottom! Alas, I didn’t have the energy or the will power to fight bending over for her even as I heard the telltale sound of her removing her belt. Also, who wears a belt with a women’s suit?! A Top evidently that’s who.

            I was over the arm of the couch holding a pillow again, but this time Ma’am stood somewhere behind me. I could feel her eyes on my raised bottom as goosebumps rose on my skin. Waiting was another part of this process I hated. I felt her rest the belt across my buns soon though and she warned me, “Stay in position unless you want extra on your thighs.” “Yes Ma’am.” was all I could manage to answer.

             The first swat always lies. It is either not as bad as you expect or a hell of a lot worse than you remember. This time it was the first. The first swat hurt sure. Especially where the tip landed on my right cheek but it was manageable with just a mew. The next was much like the first. It left some sting, but I thought it was manageable. I’m not sure when it happens probably after a dozen swats or so it becomes not manageable anymore!

            No, your butt heats up quick when it’s dancing with well-worn leather. It’s hard to describe, but it’s like this really deep burning sting that just grows across your entire bottom as the swats, build on top of each other. Ma’am is usually quiet while she’s strapping me. She doesn’t want to distract either of us from the task at hand. So, I’m left to focus on the ever-growing pain in my bottom. It can take a lot, but even after a couple of dozen stripes with the belt, I can’t keep still. My feet start jerking up off the floor with every swat she planted. That’s when she focused on my sit spots though. I don’t know how she does it, but she can magically smack the exact same spot over and over and over again. My sit spots were on fire and they were pulsing. And not to mention what every, single swat did to the plug still firmly in my bottom. Every swat made the plug move in my bottom. I would react to the feeling by tensing making the swats hurt more!

            I’m not sure how many swats I got, but I got plenty enough for my butt to be very sore. I couldn’t help, but apologize and promise to be a very good girl from then on. And I meant it! I didn’t have any desire to repeat this little session or an even worse one with her cane. I teared up as she delivered the last ten which were the hardest of them all and left the more prominent marks on my butt. I just held on to the cushion for dear life and let myself cry. As soon and she stopped with her belt her hand was on my bottom soothingly rubbing circles all over it. In a way, it hurt more for her to touch it, but I also found comfort in her touch while crying. I barely noticed when she gently removed the plug from my bottom until she was helping me to my feet. We walked to my bedroom where I was put in a PJ shirt and nothing more. She curled up on the bed with me and she spooned me. She rubbed my bottom and whispered all the loving things a Top can. It was nice from the little I remember.

            I must have fallen asleep with her in bed with me. When I woke up she was in the kitchen doing stuff. I decided to stay in here and…. Reflect. So, me reflecting… my bottom hurts. I will take my meds. I should also do some laundry and stuff…. And I’m lucky. She loves me and takes care of me even when I’m hardheaded and difficult. I can hear her in the other room probably making something for us. I’m smiling like a dummy. I need to go and tell her. Tell her how lucky I am.

– Lucky brat. 

Hi all so just a quick note to say I’ll hopefully be posting regularly again in the coming weeks. I hope to be posting weekly or every other week. I’ll be doing some stories and some post about real life. Please leave a comment or like if you enjoyed this story!

Also, a lot of you may have heard, but a member of our community created a F/F spanking centered discord. We have a lot of great kinky discussion, kinklets, writing challenges, casual conversation, and even games we play over there. If you would like to join just follow the link below. If you need some help joining or getting started in discord just shoot me a email! I hope to see you there!

Dear Diary 1/24/2019

Hi lads and ladies and everyone in between! I wanted to briefly speak about this intermission between “The Trouble with Trouble” parts. I was about to post the next part, however, I realized that it needed a good bit more editing than I thought so I need this week to work on that. Also, I realized I haven’t gotten much reaction to the story as a whole so I’m not sure if you all are enjoying it! So, if you are and want to see it back next week let me know, please! Feedback keeps Jojo and I both motivated to keep creating stories and post for you all. Anyway, this is just a one-shot until I figure out where The Trouble with Trouble is going or if it’s going!

Also, I feel sad that I have to address this, but I feel I must with these Diary entries and anything I post especially in the first person. All my stories are fiction. They are based on stories and fiction I create in my head. While on rare occasion stories may be loosely based on real life that is rare and very loosely based. For instance, these diary entries are not actually me, but about someone that lives in my head! Anyway, I felt the need to declare that as it’s been something that I’ve been asked about before. I hope you all enjoy my first person pov stories. 🙂

Keep it spanky and enjoy Dear Diary 1/24/19 – LT

Dear Diary,

Being switchy pants is sometimes hard. It’s complicated and messy. It’s hard to top when you feel like a brat and hard to be a brat when you feel like a top. Today it’s one of those feeling like a brat when I should just stick to being a Top. It’s been a long time since I’ve been over anyone’s knee and I can tell. I’m moody and just want to cuddle with everyone. I need someone to take me by the ear and pull my pants down and well… you know the rest. I’ve tried everything I know how. Being bratty, just asking, and even acting out a little bit. Okay, a lot bit but eh… no one has that responsibility. I wanna pout but I don’t get that privilege either. I think I’m jealous of those that do get someone toppy. Anyway, I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or guilty, because it’s hard for everyone. I suppose I’ll go crawl into my bed and close my eyes and hope to go to sleep to the thought of just what someone toppy would do if I was with them.

I’d probably whine and ask them not to, but at the same time be thrilled that they were going to finally give me what I’ve been needing an wanting for so long. I would blush fifteen shades of red as they asked me just what brought us there. Sure, I’d answer but as usual, that wouldn’t be enough. She’d probably send me to a corner where I’d struggle to stand any sort of still, but I’d think about what was going to happen. That’s when the tingling feelings would really set in. Low in the belly and the untouched skin of my cheeks. I’d try to focus on where those two walls met but I’m sure that’d be more focused on the impending spanking. Finally, she’d call me, and we would have a short conversation. When the conversation was over, I’d then find myself pulls quickly over her knee. It’d scare me at first, I’m sure. It always does, but then there would be relief. Relief of the knowledge I don’t have to be in charge for a few minutes. Within a few short moments of her finding my waist and getting comfortable something would shift. I’d be able to begin to let go.

I know it hurt when her hand finally met my backside. But do I need that. I imagine she’d start slow and build the rhythm slowly. I’d just relax an let go. The feeling of hand on bum is like nothing else. It’s warm and stings and even hurts a lot if the swat is hard enough or there is enough of them in a row. I can only imagine hiding my head into a pillow as she swats faster and harder. The heat building and the bottom becoming more uncomfortable. She would eventually reach for the boy shorts and jerk those down as well as her sure strong voice would tell me off for allowing myself to become this tense and stressed. It gives me shivers just to think about bare skin meeting bare skin. I’d blush again feeling exposed and venerable over her knee, but I’m sure that feeling would quickly fade just as quickly as that hairbrush was felt on my now exposed skin.

The hairbrush while it’d hurt, I crave it. It’d sting and burn and just plainly hurt, but it would be the time for her to get me out of my head. Every swat would release another layer of stress. Of anxiety. Of worry. Each swat would be a vacation for my thoughts. I’d be more too though. She’d be showing her love. Her care. Spanking is a dance of two people’s need for a mutual physical connection. Painful connection, but still a connection. While I’d be grateful for every swat of that brush after the spankings were over I can admit I would be a bit of a baby. I don’t have such a strong pain tolerance. I’d whine and wriggle, but I do hope she wouldn’t stop anytime soon.

I can imagine the sting of her brush as she would visit my pour sit spots. That’s the part I’d feel later. Each spank would create a reminder I would feel for days to come for whenever I’d sit. I’d hate it. Oh would I hate the feeling of being held and place to be spanked, but I’d be necessary. I know I’d embarrass myself with my need to kick and wriggle as those swats punished my sit spots. Those last few would ring out around us and I would find myself tired. And I’d want to cry, but with my flaming cheeks and depleted emotions, I’d finally still as the spanking ended on the hardest note yet. I also crave the feeling just after the end of the spanking. Just as she puts the brush aside and hand will sooth the damage she did. I’d find solace in her touch. The silence would be a comfort for once.

I’d like to stay there over her knee being cared about for a bit before she would finally help me up to stand and find my place on her lap. I imagine her touch as I would be welcomed into her open arms and hide against her feminine frame. I want her cuddles just as much as I want her spanking palm. I’d cry diary. When she was finally able to give me a kiss on the forehead and rub my still exposed cheeks as I hide against her bosom. I’d cry about the unfairness of her having to take me to task. And the relief I felt because she did. I’d no longer feel guilty for being moody because I’d been well punished for it. Finally, she’d make me climb into bed sans pants and tuck me in tight. I’d sleep on my tummy with a small smile on my face as my poor bottom throbbed at such a through thrash. Sleep after such a thorough spanking isn’t like anything else, diary. And man would I sleep.

That’s what I’ll try to imagine tonight as I snuggle in my bed. The feeling of a raised bum, spanking palm, warm embrace and forgive naughtiness.

Night Night Diary.

– Switch in need of a Top

Dear Diary 8/10/18


Dear Diary,

They say a spanking a day keeps the doctor away, but I’m here to tell you that’s mostly false! A spanking a day for almost two weeks now and my butt feels in need of a doctor for sure! It’s funny really you read in all those spanking stories about how it hurts to sit after a good spanking but, I think that’s false. In truth, walking, moving, twisting, bending hurts more than anything. Sure, the initial act of sitting hurts, but after that first moment of pain its fine. Something to do with the muscles contracting perhaps. I guess I should tell you what landed me in this predicament. Toppy britches decided that I had been spilling out of control a bit too much while she was away, and decided she was going to fix that! Not that it was my fault she had to go on some stupid work trip! Anyway, she first got me to write out every little thing she needed to know about. To be honest diary it was a rather long list. Longer than I’d realized. Once that was done I was marched to the cover and kept there forever. I’ll have to rant about my deep hatred for the corner another day. Anyway, while there Toppy britches read through my misdeeds carefully. To carefully if you ask me. Every once in a while, I’d hear a humph or mmmm coming from her. Usually, that means she isn’t pleased with me. After an eternity there she had called me over when I turned around I swat the Lexan paddle. I still remember how my heart skipped a beat! I know you don’t know this diary, but the Lexan is a butt killer! I must have stopped too long while staring at the paddle, because toppy britches quickly came and grabbed me by the ear (which was sore for days btw!) and dragged me back to stand in front of her. Her dark eyes had been ablaze as without words she yanked my pants right down to my ankles! I hate that so much, but not as much as to what she did next! My panties were next in the heap on the ground, leaving me bare for the world to see! I tell you diary my face had to have been ten shades of red. I didn’t have time to focus on that for long though. Toppy britches began to lecture in earnest. As she lectured occasionally she’d swat my thigh or ask a question to keep my attention. I know I must have looked like a puppy the way I squirmed while I got that telling off. Quickly, to quickly perhaps she asked if I was ready to get this over with! Who asks that? Of course, I wasn’t ready! My answer didn’t’ matter as before I could speak my bum was in the air ready or not! It felt nice to be held tightly like that but it sure wasn’t nice when the spanking started! There was no warm-up I can tell you diary! She spanked hard with her hand right from the start! This lasted what felt like forever. Even longer than the corner felt. She spanked every inch of skin she could find with her steely palms including my thigh! Yes, I just cringed and shifted in my seat thinking about those swats! By the time the spanking slowed my bottom felt ablaze, but I could breathe again! Finally, it was almost over. However, what toppy britches said made my cheeks clench in anticipation. She told me to stand when I was ready to go over the back of the couch for the paddle. In my desperation, I’d forgotten about that! I tried to think of a way-out diary. I’m not going to lie. I didn’t want a paddling one bit as my bottom already stung fiercely! However, toppy britches must have figured out what I was doing, because she gently swatted me and made me get up. It took everything in my willpower not to rub my sore hiney. I wanted to cry as I bent over the back of the couch, leaving my bum exposed to toppy britches will. It was nice though for a moment. She walked up beside me and actually rubbed my bottom soothingly. I remember what she said just like it was yesterday, “Alright you. One swat for everything on that list. Be glad it’s not more than that. You probably deserve more. Don’t get up or there will be extras after.” The cool plastic of the paddle replaced her warm hand on my backside the next moment and the moment after that fire was crashing through my cheeks. Diary I’m telling you now that the Lexan paddle should be feared and despised. It stings like nothing else in the world and it’s unforgiving and unrelenting to venerable cheeks. It wasn’t until the first swat had settled that I realized I had written close to 30, yes 30 things on my list! Of course, I regretted that now.  Those swats didn’t feel like they would ever stop. One after another after another punishing me in the most basic way possible. The sound was almost as bad as the swat itself. Lexan sounds like a firework going off with every stroke that fell, only a foot or so from your ear. After 27 hard swats with that paddle, she stopped. I was like puddy as she helped me up and held me until I felt better. I will admit post spanking cuddles are the best, everything is better, there is no more guilt and you both are exhausted making it relaxing. Eventually, we got around to talking which is when she dropped the bomb on me…. I’d be spanked every day for the foreseeable future. Of course, not as hard. Not even close, but still spanked every day. She claimed it was so that I would never forget that she was paying attention to me always. So that is where I am now. Day 13 of daily spanking, which has got my bum in a constant state of redness and achiness right now. Most days though it is only a few dozen swats on my bared bottom. I definitely won’t think she has forgotten about me anytime soon.  Uh oh. That was the doorbell. She is here again. I guess I better get that. Don’t want more than a few swats with her hand!

-Brat In Need of A Doctor for Her Sore Butt

My Dear Brat

My dear brat,

This letter is to inform you of an impending conversation with your bottom. You may be under the impression that your extensive bratty behavior and pressing of buttons has gone unnoticed. I can assure you that it has not. I will be arriving at your house Friday evening at 6 pm. At this time, though I am coming to spend quality time with you, my main purpose for this visit will be to thoroughly redden your naughty hind cheeks. We will discuss at length your desire to tease me, your Top, about various things, including but not limited to my enjoyment of leather implements and my affection for cheesy romance novels. We will see if you still want to tease as you are over my knee talking with my trusty leather paddle. We will also see if you want to continue sending me photos of you drinking with your friends as you hang out as I take a cane to your naughty backside. So, dear brat, how does that sound? The first thing I’m going to do when I get to your house is take you by the ear and lead you to the closest corner and give you a good swat, ordering you to stand there while I unpack my instruments of correction. When they are finally all laid out and ready for use, I will call you over to me and give you a firm telling off. You will be expected to look at me in my eyes knowing you bratted your way into a very sore backside. After this telling off, you will be expected to stand very still while I pull your trousers to your knees. As soon as those trousers are out of the way, I will very quickly drag you over my knee, holding you carefully in place, and without warning I’ll begin to warm your bottom up for you. Like always you will surely not last long before the squirming and words of detest for the pain begin. Alas, my hand will continue to warm the backside of those knickers of yours until I can visibly see the color of your skin change. I’m sure by then your bottom will feel quite warm to you my girl but do not be afraid. It will be hot by the time I’m done with you! Skin then pink, I will peel your knickers down to your knees, leaving your bare backside vulnerable to my will. I’m sure you will moan in protest, but that’s all you will do because by this point you will surely have realized I am the one in charge here, not you. As soon as your bottom is bare, your spanking will begin in earnest. I’ll spank every inch of the skin on your bottom, including those tender sit spots of yours. Remembering how bratty you have been, I will probably focus on them, even more, to make sure you learn your lesson about being such a naughty little thing. Soon, with your bum blazing deep pink, I’ll slow the swats, eventually stopping them. Once they are stopped I’ll even rub your bottom for you, secretly enjoying the heat emitting from your bottom. Once you are calm I’ll remind you why you are in this precarious position over my knee. Picking up my leather paddle, I’ll start with slow deliberate swats between your cheeks and sit spots that will build and build heat. I’m sure I’ll have to hold you tighter at this point as you will be squirming frantically trying to evade the sting of the paddle; however, you know I will not allow that. I’ll just hold you tighter and continue with this well-earned licking. I’ll make sure you are sufficiently swatted on your sit spots so that I know you will feel it in the days to come. This conversation is sure to last for several minutes while I turn your cheeks from just deep pink to deep red. It won’t be long, brat, before you are completely limp over my lap. That’s when I’ll know you have completely given in to this spanking and are aware there is nothing you can do to stop it. I’ll then relax my hold on you, holding your hand with my own now, and request you count these last swats of the paddle. These swats won’t be like the others, however. These will be much harder, which will cause the sound to echo around us. When these swats are done, I’ll give you some more time to allow the sting to settle deep in your cheeks. As you are laying over my lap, already well chastised, I’ll remind you what landed you here and encourage you to not let it happen again. When you are ready, you will be made to lay over the arm of the couch for the final part of our session. Surely, you will hobble into position and hold a pillow close to yourself as I swish the cane back and forth in the air for you to anticipate. When I line up the cold rattan on your red flesh, you will jump at the touch but quickly resettle for you don’t want to be in more trouble for getting out of position. There won’t be many swats. Just enough firm swats to leave you regretting each picture you sent me. I’ve counted those pictures and you will be getting a stroke for each you sent me. Can you remember how many that is naughty brat of mine? Correct, that’s eight in all. I intend to give you every single one of them. Lines of fire will discourage your naughtiness for days to come, and I’ll feel some level of satisfaction at seeing those red marks raise as I land stroke after stroke. We will be done soon enough, but that won’t stop the tears you will be shedding by the time I’m done. No, those will only stop when you are finally in your place sitting on my knee, having a long-awaited cuddle and feeling rather sorry and contrite. I’m sure there will be still quiet moments for us to be together, but the moment will have its memory in your sore bottom for the days to come. I shall enjoy seeing you, dearest one, but I shall enjoy seeing your naughty bottom even more.


With much love,

Your Toppy One

Dear Diary 12/8

Hi spanking friends! Just a quick note to say… make sure you check out the other story I posted tonight too! This diary entry didn’t go where I thought it would, but tis the muse at times. Be warned it is a bit sad.

SWATS to all. ❤


What to do when the brat is inside and wants to come out, but it’s not safe to do so? There is no one there to keep you reigned in and make sure you really don’t hurt yourself or someone else in the process of being a brat and testing the limits? Sure you can get a spanking from a friend, but that is not really what it’s about. Don’t get me wrong spankings are nice and a part of who I am, however, there are times when you want to know if anyone will grab hold and say enough is enough this is not going to happen!

As a brat that is something I crave in my soul. Please don’t think I’m naive. I remember how hard it is to be accountable to someone all the time and what it feels like to lose it all in a short letter. However, my needs didn’t change, because the situation did.

I have something to confess… I texted and drove for about the tenth time today in the past few months. I know there will be no consequences for what I did even though I know it was an incredibly stupid and dangerous thing to do. I can’t seem to stop on my own… I’ve tried and done everything possible to stop, but there is no reason I should, honestly.

Here is the second thing to confess though.. I wish I were in trouble. That would mean I had someone no matter what. Someone who cared about my well being on a different level. That would mean a lot of other things too. I know I wouldn’t like being in trouble, because surely I’d get papers and punishment spankings among other things, but I wish I had it anyway.

So, what is a brat to do? I guess I will go do what I did every time before I had any experience in TTWD. I am going to go punish myself in a way if that is a thing.

I’ll go stare at a wall for ten minutes or so and then go get out my paddle. After that I’ll make my way to my bed and imagine someone telling me off for putting myself and someone else in danger.

I’ll then take down my own pants and panties and imagine myself bending over a strong-willed ladies lap and her holding me securely. I will stay like that for a few minutes imagining me being over someone’s knee. Imagining what it feels like to be in someone’s brat for a while.

Then I’ll reach back and apply that paddle thoroughly. I’ll apply it hard enough that I’ll bruise my own bottom. Again and again it will sound like a gunshot going off. But it won’t be the same as someone else doing it. I’ll place some extra mean swats to my sit spots to make sure I don’t like it. Then I’ll keep going until I want to squirm away from my own paddle. Then even after that I’ll keep swatting to the number of swats I decided before I started.

After thoroughly spanking myself, I’ll go back to the corner and imagine my bottom being on display to my Toppy lady as I stand there for another ten minutes or so. I’ll make sure not to rub my bottom as much as I want to.

Finally when the timer goes off I’ll go to my desk and sit on that hard chair with my sore bottom. I’ll write lines for probably an hour. However, I won’t make it through that entire time. After the first thirty lines or so I know I will find tears pooling in my eyes to the point I can’t even see to write.

Soon they will be uncontrollable. I’ll have to get up from my desk and crawl under the blankets in my bed and cry. I’ll cry for what once was and what isn’t anymore. I will cuddle Mister, my stuffed bear, and cry everything inside.

At some point I’ll imagine ma’am coming and finding me upset and crawling into bed and holding me close reminding me she will never go anywhere. Eventually, I’ll even cry myself to sleep.

I’ll sleep for a while deeply. Only the kind of sleep one gets from emotional pain. When I wake up I will still feel guilty. If not more so than when I went to sleep. I’ll feel guilty about not finishing the punishment I gave myself and I’ll feel guilty about using the memory of ma’am for comfort in a moment of need.

I’ll get up eventually get dressed and put a smile on and answer the messages I missed while sleeping. I will pretend I’m okay and not tell anyone what happened. I will even go back to denying the need to have someone make sure I’m not doing stupid things.

My bratty side will be okay. I’ll learn to put it in its place again. I’ll learn to ignore all the stupid and dangerous things I’m doing. I’ll find an outlet when I absolutely need one.

Diary, I’ll stop grieving one day soon.


Lonely Brat


Dear Diary 6/26

Same disclaimer as always, little bit of fiction, little bit of RL.


Dear Diary,

Today a dear friend of mine and I were talking about something and we got on the subject of ‘shivers’ that we feel and the different reasons we feel them and what it means when we get them. So, I thought I should tell you about them a little bit.

When she calls me ‘little one’ it sends shivers down my spine all the way to my toes, makes my stomach flip and my heart open all with two little words. She is the only one that can cause this with a name like that. Maybe because she has seen some of the deepest parts of my soul. I know the name is very special to the both of us and means something that only we can. Those words are a reminder of the love and care she has for me. It wasn’t a instant reaction to those simple words actually. The more we get to know each other the more those two simple words meant to me and ever time she says them it means more and more. It honestly feels just off when someone else calls me that. In a strange way it feels more mocking than comforting.

Then there are the are shivers you get when she gives you the look.  The look that is going to be soon followed by ‘I am listenting’ or ‘Would you like to explain yourself’. Not only that, but the look usually is a sign that you are already in trouble your next words will tell me how much. Those send you into panic mode, every hair stands on end and goose bumps rise on your skin. Also, just so you know the look can also be a raised eyebrow and whispered words of ‘you better be glad we aren’t alone right now.’ This one makes all the never endings in your backside tingle in anticipation and dread of what is to come or make you want to cover up with both hands back there. Usually, when I get these types of shivers it’s my self preservation kicking in.

Some of the most intense shivers I have ever had is when bare skin to bare skin meets. (no dirty mind not like THAT) When you are over her lap with your pants and panties at your knees and she is rubbing your bare bottom it will send shivers all the way down your spine and can actually cause involuntary muscle movement!. There is something threatening and calming all at the same time about that one simple touch. It’s the anticipation of the first swat of her punishing hand. But also after the spanking is over her palm can be a source of comfort as she applies aloe or rubs some of the steam away.

Then there is the shivers you get when you get a long hug when she knows you need it. The shivers of it has been a long and rough day and you just want to sit on her lap and cuddle really close to her for a long time. And as soon as she raps her arms around you your body gets this shiver that is the tension from the day leaving your body and her warm embrace comforting you. And as she continues to hold you there you just let everything else in the world go.

Well diary there you have, some of the most common reasons Toppy lady can cause me to get shiver or tingles or whatever you would like to call it. It’s really crazy how just a simple word or look can cause that. I’m sure I’ll continue to discover what causes them to happen.


Much love diary. Talk soon,

All tingly brat.

Dear Diary 6/17

I was going to wait to post more of these, however they are very important to me so here is another one. Same disclaimer as before, a story with RL influence. A lot of these Dear Diary post have come from discussions had on if you haven’t been over there you should! Much love to all of you guys, please keep sending me comments and thoughts you have about these subjects ❤


Hi Diary, me again.

I have been having so many first lately, diary. I don’t know how to talk about this with anyone, so I’m just going to talk to you. Today I had a pretty intense scene. Top was trying to ‘shock’ me out of a temper tantrum and I reacted badly to her spanking me. It wasn’t working for me, actually I was throwing a even worse tantrum.  So, I did something I had never done in a scene before. I called the safe word. It was strange. Yes, Top stopped immediately, but so did I. It was like a cold bucket of water was thrown over the both of us.

Here is where I am having problems. Yes, everyone stresses the importance of safe words and talks about using them if you need to, however no one talks about what happens after it is used. As soon as I said it I regretted it. Not for needing to, but for disappointing my Top in not being able to continue or trust her enough to let go. Even though you aren’t in a mental place to continue, there is a sudden drop, you get very sad, clingy, resentful, angry, relieved, relaxed and many other things at the same time.

When I said my word I tried to run again. I guess I am discovering I am a runner, but that is another entry entirely. But I ran from Top, luckily I didn’t get far before she stopped me and insisted on talking about my tantrum in the first place and about why I needed to say my safe word. Throughout the conversation I wanted to apologize again and again for having to stop.

After everything was calm and Top and I decided to handle my guilt for the tantrum. She put me back over her knee and spanked me harder than she did before. However, Diary I have something to confess. As soon as she put me over her knee I felt panic. However, it was like everything happened in extremely slow motion in my brain. She was spanking extremely hard, but I didn’t react. I just laid there over her knee getting my backside lit up with her hand.

My mind was many things during the second attempt at spanking. Mainly, it was a panicky empty. It was like I had lost all thought of how to stop this. Don’t get me wrong, Diary I don’t blame Top for not knowing what is going on in my head. I don’t blame her for spanking me even harder to try to get me to stop holding back my reactions in fact I might have done the same thing if the roles where reversed. However, there was a deep part of me that thought if I stopped this again that she would be mad or upset with me so I just took it even though I was having a full blown panic attack.

After, it was over I pulled away some since I didn’t know how to talk about what  happened. The second spanking ended up feeling more like a punishment for saying my safe word than what it was actually for. Top eventually got out of me what was going on and we did discuss what was happening, however this is so new to me I fear I’m going to mess up so much she gives up on me. I want to be perfect even though she insist that nothing I do could  ever make her leave me unless I tell her to. It’s still a deep fear of mine and I wish I knew how ‘fix’ it. But I guess I just need to rely on Top to help me through.






Diary it been a few days  since I started this entry and I thought I’d stop by and finish it with some more thoughts since I’ve had some time and distance,

I think I’m beginning to learn what a safe word is really for. It’s not so much about the physical side of punishment, but more the metal. To get a spanking and for it to help you HAVE to be in the right head space. If you aren’t then it is a pointless act that will do more harm than good. I’m not sure how it works in all TTWD relationships, but in ours ‘yellow’ for me means wait I really don’t understand what is going on or you are moving to fast for me. In my personal case I use it more often when we are having a intense conversation that I might not be ready for than I do if I’m over Tops knee. ‘Red’ for me is usually used if Top triggers something for me that is traumatic. Usually that tells her that not only do I need to stop right now, but I’m going to ask for her to do one of two things: give me sometime alone to process whatever is going on or that I need her to hold me until I calm down from my panic.  I know that Top would much rather me talk about  basically every boring detail of my thoughts before hand than feel so scared or cornered that I needed to use my safe word.

Now, back to the physical vs. mental aspects… As a grown woman I can basically power through any type of pain I set my mind to which can easily lead me being really hurt physically by a spanking. However, that isn’t what Top nor I want for us. She wants me to be able to accept a spanking and allow it to impact my behavior or what ever we are addressing. So, Diary I have made a promise to Top and myself that I will be open and honest about where my head is at from here on out and if that means having to wait for punishment or do something other than spanking then that will be the best for the both of us.


Loved and well spanked,


Dear Diary 6/12

So this is a second entry in the story/fantasy/diary. Please note that while there is some real world influence this is a story.  🙂


Dear Diary,

So, today I had a completely different experience than the last time I wrote to you. I was upset and so this time Top gentle took my hand, guided me across the room, and invited me to sit on her lap. At first it was a little shocking and slightly uncomfortable. But there was something about the way that she ran her fingers through my hair and whispered calming words into my ear that encouraged me to relax into that safe embrace. We cuddled together having quiet conversations about life and what this was between us. I told her of all my fears and she assured me me she would never leave or abandon me, all the while still rubbing soothing circles on my back.

We hugged and I stayed that way for a long time. I am so scared that she won’t catch me if I fall, but man how bad do I want to fall. The longer we sat there  talking to each about our respective past, the deeper and deeper I got into my little one mindset. Oh, the things that the name ‘little one’ does to me. She reassured me that she would never hurt me, other than my bottom that is. We spent a lot of time giggling about stuff too. We didn’t end up naming really what was happening between us and you know, Diary, that really doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t need a name. After, a especially long round of giggles we talked about what we needed from each other. I told her sometimes I might need to be little as I blushed a deep shade of crimson and at other times I might need her to correct some serious adult behavior in a no non-sense fashion. She listened and when I lost my train of thought and she just pulled me tighter and assured me we weren’t in a hurry to go anywhere. It took me a lot of time and  a lot of squirming, but we eventually  began to understand what we expected and needed from each other. She helped me feel not so wrong for wanting to sit on her lap and cuddle with her or kinda wanting her to put me over her knee.

I cried a little at this point. It was nice to know that someone was sitting there listening to my ever thought, concern, fantasy and dream. I don’t think I have been held that much in years. It reminded me of being a small child, but with very adult feelings. Even when we weren’t talking it was comforting to know she was there holding on.

At one point the conversation got super embarrassing on my part at least. When you are in this situation that is this intense you don’t want to hurt the other person in anyway, by disappointing them, offending them or making them think you don’t care about their thoughts and feelings. It can make it hard when you feel like you should apologize for everything all of the time. So, I moved away from her, off of her lap and tried really hard to just run. Thankfully, she didn’t let me get far. I muttered something I was rather embarrassed about and she once again guided me back to her lap, locking her arms around my waist, telling me with body language alone that I wan’t going anywhere and that she wasn’t either.

“You can’t scare me off, little one. Nothing you say, do or confess will ever make me give up on you.” I remember those words like she said them just now because they slowly began to melt my heart. It is reassurances like those that make me warm inside. We spent more time cuddling each other and she touched my cheek bringing my eyes to meet hers.

She knew somehow at this point that I wanted to ask her something. For me at this point of the day I had been through every emotion possible. I felt so happy and content to just be there with her to allow myself not to be on guard, confused and scared of what might happen, embarrassed and just…… weird that I might want certain things from this woman. However, I hid my face from her and mumbled out my question.

Well Diary, as you can guess she didn’t let me get away with that. She brought my eyes to hers once again and requested that I say it a second time. Finally, I just blurted out, “Can you give me a spanking?” my face was on fire at this point, but she didn’t laugh or make jokes about my request she simply asked me, why.

I eventually told her I just felt like it might help me feel better and calm any racing thoughts in my head. She soothed me and assured me she understood. We talked for several minuets to make sure I was in the right frame of mind for a spanking of this nature, before she slowly moved me to lay over her lap instead on sitting on it.

I felt so vulnerable and calm in that split second. There is something about the feeling of someone’s had ominously resting on your backside that just makes you lose all other trains of thought. She rubbed and caressed for several long minuets before she placed the first swat on my jean and pantie covered backside. She slowly warmed me up over my clothing all the while reassuring me I could relax, let go and trust her.

The heat built slowly through my clothes. She didn’t like that I was fighting her on mentally letting go so she pulled my pants down to mid-thigh and increased the strength and pace. Let me tell you something, Diary when a woman with a palm of steel is tattooing her desire for you to do something to your backside you tend to take notice and suddenly forget everything else that is going on around you. So, with her hand making a heat unknown to common man: I let go. I relaxed over her lap accepting the spanking she was giving me. However, she wasn’t quiet done yet. She lowered my panties also and continued the spanking me on my bare bottom. Diary, I don’t know how she knew just what I needed, but that was all it took for me to completely let go and cry. As soon as I began to cry she placed two scorchers on my sit spots to remind me of my place, then she began to soothe my emotions and thoughts.

Well Diary, I have learned even more about myself from that experience. I have two sides of my mind that needs to be spanked if that makes sense. I have the adult, difficult, reckless behavior side that needs a stern woman to jerk me in place. And then there is the other side, the side that is just a submissive little one that needs to be eased into it lest she not get scared away. I like both sides for different reasons the stern woman doesn’t give me much of a chance to run from her and the other one allows me to not have to make any decisions about life. I also learned that a stern hand spanking sometimes is just as effective as anything else, especially if it is one made of steal like her hand is.




I’m going to crawl into bed now, Diary I’ll talk to you later,


Spanked Little One

Dear Diary

Okay, so this isn’t really a story, but it isn’t like an actual diary entry either. It is a bit of a mixture. It’s something a little different 🙂

Dear Diary,

There are two kinds of Tops out there in the TTWD world (actually more than two, but for these purposes I’m only going to say two.) There are those that walk into the room and guide you lovingly and gently over their lap with loving words of comfort. And then there are those that walk into a room grab you by the ear, swat you to their chair and drag you over their knee. See I had only met the first kind until recently. And see diary, when I met the second kind she scared the hell out of me. It was a complete shock to the system when she walked in and put my bratty self in my place.

Diary, I am still so freaking sore. My backside in red and I think there might be *whispers* bruises back there. I had been acting like a naughty child I digress, but I didn’t after that spanking. See the funny thing that I learned about this was that I didn’t hate to be lady handled like I was. I actually found it just shocking enough that it worked for me. For as important as gentleness, care and loving is for me in a spanking situation apparently sternness, Toppiness, and control are too. But I also had this new feeling, when I was laying over her strong thighs I felt safe, like this woman wouldn’t allow anything bad happen (other than her wearing my tail out) while I was in her care. It felt so right to be brought back to earth again sharply, quickly and thoroughly, but at the same time knew she ‘had’ me.

If it is possible I learned something even more important about myself. I am okay to let go a little and trust these amazing people that are in charge of my care in these situations. If I can let go some more I can be taken to new heights in this world. Allow the Top to stop me before I fall off the edge instead of worrying about every single detail. I can let that ‘child’ inside be brought to the surface.

I also learned that I can take a much harder spanking than I thought. I have had several hard hand spankings and even a few swats with some implements. However, this woman went to town on my ass with an 18 inch wooden ruler and I have never felt anything like that in my life. When she had applied dozens of swats with it while I was held securely over her knee I thought I might die, alas when she stopped I felt something different. I felt light. I felt free from every possible emotion that I had in the beginning of that spanking. However, it wasn’t over. She guided me up helped me step out of my clothes then lead me to the couch where she bent me over some pillows and laid into by already flaming backside with a leather belt. She lectured while she strapped me, granted I can’t remember most of the scolding as I was focused on my burning backside, but I soon began to cry. I cried, because I was so tired of pretending, I wanted someone in my life like this all the time, I don’t want to make all the decisions, and I felt guilty for being a full-fledged brat in front of everyone. Then I sobbed and the entire world faded away, even the belt.

After my thorough spanking I laid there still bared to the word while very Toppy Top whispered words into my ear. The world outside of our bubble ceased as she wiped away my tears, placing soothing touches on my back. It was a wonderful, yet new experience Diary. I don’t know if I will always want it like that, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it on occasion in the future.

I’m going to get some cream and take a nice nap now,

Spanked Brat