Hi spanking friends! Just a quick note to say… make sure you check out the other story I posted tonight too! This diary entry didn’t go where I thought it would, but tis the muse at times. Be warned it is a bit sad.
SWATS to all. ❤
What to do when the brat is inside and wants to come out, but it’s not safe to do so? There is no one there to keep you reigned in and make sure you really don’t hurt yourself or someone else in the process of being a brat and testing the limits? Sure you can get a spanking from a friend, but that is not really what it’s about. Don’t get me wrong spankings are nice and a part of who I am, however, there are times when you want to know if anyone will grab hold and say enough is enough this is not going to happen!
As a brat that is something I crave in my soul. Please don’t think I’m naive. I remember how hard it is to be accountable to someone all the time and what it feels like to lose it all in a short letter. However, my needs didn’t change, because the situation did.
I have something to confess… I texted and drove for about the tenth time today in the past few months. I know there will be no consequences for what I did even though I know it was an incredibly stupid and dangerous thing to do. I can’t seem to stop on my own… I’ve tried and done everything possible to stop, but there is no reason I should, honestly.
Here is the second thing to confess though.. I wish I were in trouble. That would mean I had someone no matter what. Someone who cared about my well being on a different level. That would mean a lot of other things too. I know I wouldn’t like being in trouble, because surely I’d get papers and punishment spankings among other things, but I wish I had it anyway.
So, what is a brat to do? I guess I will go do what I did every time before I had any experience in TTWD. I am going to go punish myself in a way if that is a thing.
I’ll go stare at a wall for ten minutes or so and then go get out my paddle. After that I’ll make my way to my bed and imagine someone telling me off for putting myself and someone else in danger.
I’ll then take down my own pants and panties and imagine myself bending over a strong-willed ladies lap and her holding me securely. I will stay like that for a few minutes imagining me being over someone’s knee. Imagining what it feels like to be in someone’s brat for a while.
Then I’ll reach back and apply that paddle thoroughly. I’ll apply it hard enough that I’ll bruise my own bottom. Again and again it will sound like a gunshot going off. But it won’t be the same as someone else doing it. I’ll place some extra mean swats to my sit spots to make sure I don’t like it. Then I’ll keep going until I want to squirm away from my own paddle. Then even after that I’ll keep swatting to the number of swats I decided before I started.
After thoroughly spanking myself, I’ll go back to the corner and imagine my bottom being on display to my Toppy lady as I stand there for another ten minutes or so. I’ll make sure not to rub my bottom as much as I want to.
Finally when the timer goes off I’ll go to my desk and sit on that hard chair with my sore bottom. I’ll write lines for probably an hour. However, I won’t make it through that entire time. After the first thirty lines or so I know I will find tears pooling in my eyes to the point I can’t even see to write.
Soon they will be uncontrollable. I’ll have to get up from my desk and crawl under the blankets in my bed and cry. I’ll cry for what once was and what isn’t anymore. I will cuddle Mister, my stuffed bear, and cry everything inside.
At some point I’ll imagine ma’am coming and finding me upset and crawling into bed and holding me close reminding me she will never go anywhere. Eventually, I’ll even cry myself to sleep.
I’ll sleep for a while deeply. Only the kind of sleep one gets from emotional pain. When I wake up I will still feel guilty. If not more so than when I went to sleep. I’ll feel guilty about not finishing the punishment I gave myself and I’ll feel guilty about using the memory of ma’am for comfort in a moment of need.
I’ll get up eventually get dressed and put a smile on and answer the messages I missed while sleeping. I will pretend I’m okay and not tell anyone what happened. I will even go back to denying the need to have someone make sure I’m not doing stupid things.
My bratty side will be okay. I’ll learn to put it in its place again. I’ll learn to ignore all the stupid and dangerous things I’m doing. I’ll find an outlet when I absolutely need one.
Diary, I’ll stop grieving one day soon.