Dear Diary 12/8

Hi spanking friends! Just a quick note to say… make sure you check out the other story I posted tonight too! This diary entry didn’t go where I thought it would, but tis the muse at times. Be warned it is a bit sad.

SWATS to all. ❤


What to do when the brat is inside and wants to come out, but it’s not safe to do so? There is no one there to keep you reigned in and make sure you really don’t hurt yourself or someone else in the process of being a brat and testing the limits? Sure you can get a spanking from a friend, but that is not really what it’s about. Don’t get me wrong spankings are nice and a part of who I am, however, there are times when you want to know if anyone will grab hold and say enough is enough this is not going to happen!

As a brat that is something I crave in my soul. Please don’t think I’m naive. I remember how hard it is to be accountable to someone all the time and what it feels like to lose it all in a short letter. However, my needs didn’t change, because the situation did.

I have something to confess… I texted and drove for about the tenth time today in the past few months. I know there will be no consequences for what I did even though I know it was an incredibly stupid and dangerous thing to do. I can’t seem to stop on my own… I’ve tried and done everything possible to stop, but there is no reason I should, honestly.

Here is the second thing to confess though.. I wish I were in trouble. That would mean I had someone no matter what. Someone who cared about my well being on a different level. That would mean a lot of other things too. I know I wouldn’t like being in trouble, because surely I’d get papers and punishment spankings among other things, but I wish I had it anyway.

So, what is a brat to do? I guess I will go do what I did every time before I had any experience in TTWD. I am going to go punish myself in a way if that is a thing.

I’ll go stare at a wall for ten minutes or so and then go get out my paddle. After that I’ll make my way to my bed and imagine someone telling me off for putting myself and someone else in danger.

I’ll then take down my own pants and panties and imagine myself bending over a strong-willed ladies lap and her holding me securely. I will stay like that for a few minutes imagining me being over someone’s knee. Imagining what it feels like to be in someone’s brat for a while.

Then I’ll reach back and apply that paddle thoroughly. I’ll apply it hard enough that I’ll bruise my own bottom. Again and again it will sound like a gunshot going off. But it won’t be the same as someone else doing it. I’ll place some extra mean swats to my sit spots to make sure I don’t like it. Then I’ll keep going until I want to squirm away from my own paddle. Then even after that I’ll keep swatting to the number of swats I decided before I started.

After thoroughly spanking myself, I’ll go back to the corner and imagine my bottom being on display to my Toppy lady as I stand there for another ten minutes or so. I’ll make sure not to rub my bottom as much as I want to.

Finally when the timer goes off I’ll go to my desk and sit on that hard chair with my sore bottom. I’ll write lines for probably an hour. However, I won’t make it through that entire time. After the first thirty lines or so I know I will find tears pooling in my eyes to the point I can’t even see to write.

Soon they will be uncontrollable. I’ll have to get up from my desk and crawl under the blankets in my bed and cry. I’ll cry for what once was and what isn’t anymore. I will cuddle Mister, my stuffed bear, and cry everything inside.

At some point I’ll imagine ma’am coming and finding me upset and crawling into bed and holding me close reminding me she will never go anywhere. Eventually, I’ll even cry myself to sleep.

I’ll sleep for a while deeply. Only the kind of sleep one gets from emotional pain. When I wake up I will still feel guilty. If not more so than when I went to sleep. I’ll feel guilty about not finishing the punishment I gave myself and I’ll feel guilty about using the memory of ma’am for comfort in a moment of need.

I’ll get up eventually get dressed and put a smile on and answer the messages I missed while sleeping. I will pretend I’m okay and not tell anyone what happened. I will even go back to denying the need to have someone make sure I’m not doing stupid things.

My bratty side will be okay. I’ll learn to put it in its place again. I’ll learn to ignore all the stupid and dangerous things I’m doing. I’ll find an outlet when I absolutely need one.

Diary, I’ll stop grieving one day soon.


Lonely Brat



Dear Diary 6/26

Same disclaimer as always, little bit of fiction, little bit of RL.


Dear Diary,

Today a dear friend of mine and I were talking about something and we got on the subject of ‘shivers’ that we feel and the different reasons we feel them and what it means when we get them. So, I thought I should tell you about them a little bit.

When she calls me ‘little one’ it sends shivers down my spine all the way to my toes, makes my stomach flip and my heart open all with two little words. She is the only one that can cause this with a name like that. Maybe because she has seen some of the deepest parts of my soul. I know the name is very special to the both of us and means something that only we can. Those words are a reminder of the love and care she has for me. It wasn’t a instant reaction to those simple words actually. The more we get to know each other the more those two simple words meant to me and ever time she says them it means more and more. It honestly feels just off when someone else calls me that. In a strange way it feels more mocking than comforting.

Then there are the are shivers you get when she gives you the look.  The look that is going to be soon followed by ‘I am listenting’ or ‘Would you like to explain yourself’. Not only that, but the look usually is a sign that you are already in trouble your next words will tell me how much. Those send you into panic mode, every hair stands on end and goose bumps rise on your skin. Also, just so you know the look can also be a raised eyebrow and whispered words of ‘you better be glad we aren’t alone right now.’ This one makes all the never endings in your backside tingle in anticipation and dread of what is to come or make you want to cover up with both hands back there. Usually, when I get these types of shivers it’s my self preservation kicking in.

Some of the most intense shivers I have ever had is when bare skin to bare skin meets. (no dirty mind not like THAT) When you are over her lap with your pants and panties at your knees and she is rubbing your bare bottom it will send shivers all the way down your spine and can actually cause involuntary muscle movement!. There is something threatening and calming all at the same time about that one simple touch. It’s the anticipation of the first swat of her punishing hand. But also after the spanking is over her palm can be a source of comfort as she applies aloe or rubs some of the steam away.

Then there is the shivers you get when you get a long hug when she knows you need it. The shivers of it has been a long and rough day and you just want to sit on her lap and cuddle really close to her for a long time. And as soon as she raps her arms around you your body gets this shiver that is the tension from the day leaving your body and her warm embrace comforting you. And as she continues to hold you there you just let everything else in the world go.

Well diary there you have, some of the most common reasons Toppy lady can cause me to get shiver or tingles or whatever you would like to call it. It’s really crazy how just a simple word or look can cause that. I’m sure I’ll continue to discover what causes them to happen.


Much love diary. Talk soon,

All tingly brat.

Dear Diary 6/17

I was going to wait to post more of these, however they are very important to me so here is another one. Same disclaimer as before, a story with RL influence. A lot of these Dear Diary post have come from discussions had on if you haven’t been over there you should! Much love to all of you guys, please keep sending me comments and thoughts you have about these subjects ❤


Hi Diary, me again.

I have been having so many first lately, diary. I don’t know how to talk about this with anyone, so I’m just going to talk to you. Today I had a pretty intense scene. Top was trying to ‘shock’ me out of a temper tantrum and I reacted badly to her spanking me. It wasn’t working for me, actually I was throwing a even worse tantrum.  So, I did something I had never done in a scene before. I called the safe word. It was strange. Yes, Top stopped immediately, but so did I. It was like a cold bucket of water was thrown over the both of us.

Here is where I am having problems. Yes, everyone stresses the importance of safe words and talks about using them if you need to, however no one talks about what happens after it is used. As soon as I said it I regretted it. Not for needing to, but for disappointing my Top in not being able to continue or trust her enough to let go. Even though you aren’t in a mental place to continue, there is a sudden drop, you get very sad, clingy, resentful, angry, relieved, relaxed and many other things at the same time.

When I said my word I tried to run again. I guess I am discovering I am a runner, but that is another entry entirely. But I ran from Top, luckily I didn’t get far before she stopped me and insisted on talking about my tantrum in the first place and about why I needed to say my safe word. Throughout the conversation I wanted to apologize again and again for having to stop.

After everything was calm and Top and I decided to handle my guilt for the tantrum. She put me back over her knee and spanked me harder than she did before. However, Diary I have something to confess. As soon as she put me over her knee I felt panic. However, it was like everything happened in extremely slow motion in my brain. She was spanking extremely hard, but I didn’t react. I just laid there over her knee getting my backside lit up with her hand.

My mind was many things during the second attempt at spanking. Mainly, it was a panicky empty. It was like I had lost all thought of how to stop this. Don’t get me wrong, Diary I don’t blame Top for not knowing what is going on in my head. I don’t blame her for spanking me even harder to try to get me to stop holding back my reactions in fact I might have done the same thing if the roles where reversed. However, there was a deep part of me that thought if I stopped this again that she would be mad or upset with me so I just took it even though I was having a full blown panic attack.

After, it was over I pulled away some since I didn’t know how to talk about what  happened. The second spanking ended up feeling more like a punishment for saying my safe word than what it was actually for. Top eventually got out of me what was going on and we did discuss what was happening, however this is so new to me I fear I’m going to mess up so much she gives up on me. I want to be perfect even though she insist that nothing I do could  ever make her leave me unless I tell her to. It’s still a deep fear of mine and I wish I knew how ‘fix’ it. But I guess I just need to rely on Top to help me through.






Diary it been a few days  since I started this entry and I thought I’d stop by and finish it with some more thoughts since I’ve had some time and distance,

I think I’m beginning to learn what a safe word is really for. It’s not so much about the physical side of punishment, but more the metal. To get a spanking and for it to help you HAVE to be in the right head space. If you aren’t then it is a pointless act that will do more harm than good. I’m not sure how it works in all TTWD relationships, but in ours ‘yellow’ for me means wait I really don’t understand what is going on or you are moving to fast for me. In my personal case I use it more often when we are having a intense conversation that I might not be ready for than I do if I’m over Tops knee. ‘Red’ for me is usually used if Top triggers something for me that is traumatic. Usually that tells her that not only do I need to stop right now, but I’m going to ask for her to do one of two things: give me sometime alone to process whatever is going on or that I need her to hold me until I calm down from my panic.  I know that Top would much rather me talk about  basically every boring detail of my thoughts before hand than feel so scared or cornered that I needed to use my safe word.

Now, back to the physical vs. mental aspects… As a grown woman I can basically power through any type of pain I set my mind to which can easily lead me being really hurt physically by a spanking. However, that isn’t what Top nor I want for us. She wants me to be able to accept a spanking and allow it to impact my behavior or what ever we are addressing. So, Diary I have made a promise to Top and myself that I will be open and honest about where my head is at from here on out and if that means having to wait for punishment or do something other than spanking then that will be the best for the both of us.


Loved and well spanked,


Dear Diary 6/12

So this is a second entry in the story/fantasy/diary. Please note that while there is some real world influence this is a story.  🙂


Dear Diary,

So, today I had a completely different experience than the last time I wrote to you. I was upset and so this time Top gentle took my hand, guided me across the room, and invited me to sit on her lap. At first it was a little shocking and slightly uncomfortable. But there was something about the way that she ran her fingers through my hair and whispered calming words into my ear that encouraged me to relax into that safe embrace. We cuddled together having quiet conversations about life and what this was between us. I told her of all my fears and she assured me me she would never leave or abandon me, all the while still rubbing soothing circles on my back.

We hugged and I stayed that way for a long time. I am so scared that she won’t catch me if I fall, but man how bad do I want to fall. The longer we sat there  talking to each about our respective past, the deeper and deeper I got into my little one mindset. Oh, the things that the name ‘little one’ does to me. She reassured me that she would never hurt me, other than my bottom that is. We spent a lot of time giggling about stuff too. We didn’t end up naming really what was happening between us and you know, Diary, that really doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t need a name. After, a especially long round of giggles we talked about what we needed from each other. I told her sometimes I might need to be little as I blushed a deep shade of crimson and at other times I might need her to correct some serious adult behavior in a no non-sense fashion. She listened and when I lost my train of thought and she just pulled me tighter and assured me we weren’t in a hurry to go anywhere. It took me a lot of time and  a lot of squirming, but we eventually  began to understand what we expected and needed from each other. She helped me feel not so wrong for wanting to sit on her lap and cuddle with her or kinda wanting her to put me over her knee.

I cried a little at this point. It was nice to know that someone was sitting there listening to my ever thought, concern, fantasy and dream. I don’t think I have been held that much in years. It reminded me of being a small child, but with very adult feelings. Even when we weren’t talking it was comforting to know she was there holding on.

At one point the conversation got super embarrassing on my part at least. When you are in this situation that is this intense you don’t want to hurt the other person in anyway, by disappointing them, offending them or making them think you don’t care about their thoughts and feelings. It can make it hard when you feel like you should apologize for everything all of the time. So, I moved away from her, off of her lap and tried really hard to just run. Thankfully, she didn’t let me get far. I muttered something I was rather embarrassed about and she once again guided me back to her lap, locking her arms around my waist, telling me with body language alone that I wan’t going anywhere and that she wasn’t either.

“You can’t scare me off, little one. Nothing you say, do or confess will ever make me give up on you.” I remember those words like she said them just now because they slowly began to melt my heart. It is reassurances like those that make me warm inside. We spent more time cuddling each other and she touched my cheek bringing my eyes to meet hers.

She knew somehow at this point that I wanted to ask her something. For me at this point of the day I had been through every emotion possible. I felt so happy and content to just be there with her to allow myself not to be on guard, confused and scared of what might happen, embarrassed and just…… weird that I might want certain things from this woman. However, I hid my face from her and mumbled out my question.

Well Diary, as you can guess she didn’t let me get away with that. She brought my eyes to hers once again and requested that I say it a second time. Finally, I just blurted out, “Can you give me a spanking?” my face was on fire at this point, but she didn’t laugh or make jokes about my request she simply asked me, why.

I eventually told her I just felt like it might help me feel better and calm any racing thoughts in my head. She soothed me and assured me she understood. We talked for several minuets to make sure I was in the right frame of mind for a spanking of this nature, before she slowly moved me to lay over her lap instead on sitting on it.

I felt so vulnerable and calm in that split second. There is something about the feeling of someone’s had ominously resting on your backside that just makes you lose all other trains of thought. She rubbed and caressed for several long minuets before she placed the first swat on my jean and pantie covered backside. She slowly warmed me up over my clothing all the while reassuring me I could relax, let go and trust her.

The heat built slowly through my clothes. She didn’t like that I was fighting her on mentally letting go so she pulled my pants down to mid-thigh and increased the strength and pace. Let me tell you something, Diary when a woman with a palm of steel is tattooing her desire for you to do something to your backside you tend to take notice and suddenly forget everything else that is going on around you. So, with her hand making a heat unknown to common man: I let go. I relaxed over her lap accepting the spanking she was giving me. However, she wasn’t quiet done yet. She lowered my panties also and continued the spanking me on my bare bottom. Diary, I don’t know how she knew just what I needed, but that was all it took for me to completely let go and cry. As soon as I began to cry she placed two scorchers on my sit spots to remind me of my place, then she began to soothe my emotions and thoughts.

Well Diary, I have learned even more about myself from that experience. I have two sides of my mind that needs to be spanked if that makes sense. I have the adult, difficult, reckless behavior side that needs a stern woman to jerk me in place. And then there is the other side, the side that is just a submissive little one that needs to be eased into it lest she not get scared away. I like both sides for different reasons the stern woman doesn’t give me much of a chance to run from her and the other one allows me to not have to make any decisions about life. I also learned that a stern hand spanking sometimes is just as effective as anything else, especially if it is one made of steal like her hand is.




I’m going to crawl into bed now, Diary I’ll talk to you later,


Spanked Little One

Dear Diary

Okay, so this isn’t really a story, but it isn’t like an actual diary entry either. It is a bit of a mixture. It’s something a little different 🙂

Dear Diary,

There are two kinds of Tops out there in the TTWD world (actually more than two, but for these purposes I’m only going to say two.) There are those that walk into the room and guide you lovingly and gently over their lap with loving words of comfort. And then there are those that walk into a room grab you by the ear, swat you to their chair and drag you over their knee. See I had only met the first kind until recently. And see diary, when I met the second kind she scared the hell out of me. It was a complete shock to the system when she walked in and put my bratty self in my place.

Diary, I am still so freaking sore. My backside in red and I think there might be *whispers* bruises back there. I had been acting like a naughty child I digress, but I didn’t after that spanking. See the funny thing that I learned about this was that I didn’t hate to be lady handled like I was. I actually found it just shocking enough that it worked for me. For as important as gentleness, care and loving is for me in a spanking situation apparently sternness, Toppiness, and control are too. But I also had this new feeling, when I was laying over her strong thighs I felt safe, like this woman wouldn’t allow anything bad happen (other than her wearing my tail out) while I was in her care. It felt so right to be brought back to earth again sharply, quickly and thoroughly, but at the same time knew she ‘had’ me.

If it is possible I learned something even more important about myself. I am okay to let go a little and trust these amazing people that are in charge of my care in these situations. If I can let go some more I can be taken to new heights in this world. Allow the Top to stop me before I fall off the edge instead of worrying about every single detail. I can let that ‘child’ inside be brought to the surface.

I also learned that I can take a much harder spanking than I thought. I have had several hard hand spankings and even a few swats with some implements. However, this woman went to town on my ass with an 18 inch wooden ruler and I have never felt anything like that in my life. When she had applied dozens of swats with it while I was held securely over her knee I thought I might die, alas when she stopped I felt something different. I felt light. I felt free from every possible emotion that I had in the beginning of that spanking. However, it wasn’t over. She guided me up helped me step out of my clothes then lead me to the couch where she bent me over some pillows and laid into by already flaming backside with a leather belt. She lectured while she strapped me, granted I can’t remember most of the scolding as I was focused on my burning backside, but I soon began to cry. I cried, because I was so tired of pretending, I wanted someone in my life like this all the time, I don’t want to make all the decisions, and I felt guilty for being a full-fledged brat in front of everyone. Then I sobbed and the entire world faded away, even the belt.

After my thorough spanking I laid there still bared to the word while very Toppy Top whispered words into my ear. The world outside of our bubble ceased as she wiped away my tears, placing soothing touches on my back. It was a wonderful, yet new experience Diary. I don’t know if I will always want it like that, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it on occasion in the future.

I’m going to get some cream and take a nice nap now,

Spanked Brat